WARNING: This post may contain triggering content
I would like to preface this post by letting you know that 3 months before this Manic episode my family doctor put me on an anti-depressant and I was taken off 1 of my mood stabilizers. This was not an informed decision on my doctors part. When someone has Bipolar Disorder anti-depressants can often trigger a manic episode. A Manic episode is triggered by the uplifting effect of an anti-depressant. In this case the medications lifted me way too high up. Also, I was in a car accident 2 months before the Mania ensued. Then 1 month before I contracted a blood infection that nearly killed me. Yet, my doctor didn’t follow up about the medications at all during this period. Without being too crass I will simply say, the medical attention I received was weak!
Episode commences after I nearly died from a blood infection in August 2016.
My downswing into Mania starts off very slow then takes a terrible turn in what felt like the blink of an eye. I woke up one morning feeling great about myself, like I was finally going conquer the world. Decided I was going to start exercising every day, twice a day for 45 minutes. I actually did it, all while running my Ballroom Dancing studio. I was losing weight faster then I ever had before, people were noticing. All the compliments made me gave me high, people were finally noticing me! Every compliment, every guy that checked me out, every sexual encounter – fuelled my fire.
I was making grandiose plans to travel the world, that were not substantiated by my lifestyle. I was making promises to people about helping them with a business, starting a business with them or saying I would go on a trip with them. All the promises that I would make, I honestly felt that I would follow through with them. I was unstoppable!
I was feeling good and looking good, now the partying ensues. It started out that I was only going out partying once a week till 5 AM and getting up and going to work with no problem. I felt so damn good when I was, so sexy and on fire. I was getting so much attention from the men and I felt like all the women were jealous of me. Then when I would wake up in the morning my anxiety would be so bad and my thought would be racing around in my head. I needed to make them stop. I would have a couple drinks at lunch to calm my mind and then Rinse & Repeat – Party, Sleep, Anxiety, Drink. I was losing that control that I longed for. I couldn’t control my thoughts or my impulses – I was scared of myself.
One evening I went out Salsa dancing with a group of friends and a man I had met couple nights before. We were having so much “fun” that this new guy and I decided to hit up the after party. After, the after party we rented a hotel. It should have been a fun night until I woke up with him on top of me – he was raping me. I said no explicitly and he wouldn’t get off me. I kicked him to the floor, ran out of the hotel and called a friend to pick me. This was humiliating, scary and I still went out drinking again the next night. Scary right? I was scared too but had lost all control.
I was completely spiralling out of control. When I was trying to think my thoughts are bouncing around my head like a bouncy ball. You can just forget sleeping, period. Working? Barely. I would only remember to eat if someone reminded me. I felt like a robot – no sleep, no food, no emotions and no feelings.
I was cancelling appointments with all my clients so I could drink during the day with my new “Friends” that I made. On top of everything I had experienced now I was dealing with the trauma from a rape. It was too much for one person to handle. Instead of feeling like I can conquer the world, I now felt like there was no coming back from it. At this point I felt like I was never going to feel sane again that my worse nightmares has come true. It had become so bad that I started doing drugs for the first time in my adult life. It was absolutely terrifying. I honestly don’t have much to say about this period because it was a blur and due to the traumatic state I was in I was unable to retain new memories – might be a blessing.
I told my parents I was doing drugs and they immediately started making calls to doctors. They helped me call clients and explain that I wasn’t well. The minute I admitted how far gone I was was the minute I started healing. Plus, I met a man that changed my life forever. Stay tuned for the story. #endthestigma
NOTE TO THE READER
I am sharing this part of my story to help people understand what BiPolar Mania can look like. I also want all my Polar Bears out there to know you are not alone. This was an incredibly hard blog to write and very emotional. I shed a lot of tears thinking about all the people that I hurt along the way. I was want to say sorry to anyone who has read this that I hurt while going thru a Manic episode.
I am not sharing my story to glorify sex, drugs or drinking. I want everyone to understand that those are the things that helped make my Mania worse not better.
Help Lines and References:
If you have experienced sexual assault or rape please contact S.A.C.H.A for help : 905-525-4162
Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada: 1-800-668-6868
Crisis Line: 905-522-1477
The Signs of Mania incl but are not limited to:
Disconnected and racing thoughts.
Inappropriate elation or euphoria.
Inappropriate social behavior.
Increased talking speed or volume.
Markedly increased energy.
PLEASE ALWAYS CALL 911 IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES