I wanted to share a post with you about a manic episode I experienced but I just couldn’t bring myself to write. This is not because I don’t want to, it is because I am battling depression at this point in time. It is counter intuitive to write about Mania while depressed. I decided instead to share how I am feeling now in hopes to help myself and all those lovely creatures out there who are suffering through a similar situation.
My alarm went off at 9am as it does every other day however, I struggled to wake up. My limbs were heavy, mind foggy and heart racing. Struggling to wake up because the world just feels so overwhelming right now. Telling myself to take this day second by second and try not to be judgemental of myself. I worked up the strength to roll out of bed and start my day.
I spent my entire time getting ready worrying about what I was going to screw up next. So many What Ifs…….What if I cant make it to work? What if I get fired? What if I have to cancel plans again? What if I people don’t understand how I am feeling? What if I get let down by someone? WHAT IF THE NEXT BAD THING THAT HAPPENS IS THE THING THAT BREAKS ME? These are the things I will continue to worry about throughout the day. They will rattle around in mind and I just need……QUIET!
The list of things I am fighting against feels endless. Worry of not being able to handle anything else is not an over exaggeration but a concrete fear. Do you know that feeling? The feeling where your heart is so full sorrow if you take on anything else it may implode. I most definitely do.
I am feeling alone, hopeless, overwhelmed and scared. These feelings persist even though I have a loving family, friends who cares, a job and for the most part my health. I feel like I should be happy but unfortunately that is not how depression works. Once it takes over it feels like you have a rain cloud over your head and you just cant shake it.
Now here is the most confusing about being depressed for me. I know what I need to do to help myself, I could make a list. This doesn’t mean that I will be able to find the energy or mental strength to execute any of these things. Can you relate? Here is a list of all the things I try to do when I am depressed (If you can do just one of the things off this list today you and I both will try to be proud of ourselves, ok?):
- take a shower
- go to work
- meet a friend for coffee
- do not consume alcohol
- go for a walk (doesn’t matter how long)
- share your feelings with someone…..anyone
- book a doctors appointment
- get out of bed
- be kind to yourself
We need to find the strength in ourselves to be kind to us. Try to be gentle with your mind and be sympathetic with yourself. I know this is easier said than done, believe me. I am living it right now in this very moment which is why I am writing this post to open to you lovely creatures and also help myself.
I am going to leave you with two very tiny tasks. First, please comment on the post with a smiley face if you completed your one task for the day. Second, Please say this sentence out loud three times “I am strong, I am beautiful and I am courageous!” This is what I repeat to myself throughout the day to help keep my fight alive.
Thank you for reading. It has helped me to share and I hope it helps you to know that there are other people fighting the good fight. #depressionisreal