The Manic Experience

WARNING: This post may contain triggering content   

Hello Lovelies!

I would like to preface this post by letting you know that 3 months before this Manic episode my family doctor put me on an anti-depressant and I was taken off 1 of my mood stabilizers. This was not an informed decision on my doctors part. When someone has Bipolar Disorder anti-depressants can often trigger a manic episode. A Manic episode is triggered by the uplifting effect of an anti-depressant. In this case the medications lifted me way too high up. Also, I was in a car accident 2 months before the Mania ensued.  Then 1 month before I contracted a blood infection that nearly killed me.  Yet, my doctor didn’t follow up about the medications at all during this period. Without being too crass I will simply say, the medical attention I received was weak!

Episode commences after I nearly died from a blood infection in August 2016.

The Beginning

My downswing into Mania starts off very slow then takes a terrible turn in what felt like the blink of an eye. I woke up one morning feeling great about myself, like I was finally going conquer the world. Decided I was going to start exercising every day, twice a day for 45 minutes. I actually did it, all while running my Ballroom Dancing studio. I was losing weight faster then I ever had before, people were noticing. All the compliments made me gave me high, people were finally noticing me! Every compliment, every guy that checked me out, every sexual encounter – fuelled my fire.

I was making grandiose plans to travel the world, that were not substantiated by my lifestyle. I was making promises to people about helping them with a business, starting a business with them or saying I would go on a trip with them. All the promises that I would make, I honestly felt that I would follow through with them.  I was unstoppable!

Evidence

I was feeling good and looking good, now the partying ensues. It started out that I was only going out  partying  once a week till 5 AM and getting up and going to work with no problem. I felt so damn good when I was, so sexy and on fire. I was getting so much attention from the men and I felt like all the women were jealous of me. Then when I would wake up in the morning my anxiety would be so bad and my thought would be racing around in my head. I needed to make them stop. I would have a couple drinks at lunch to calm my mind and then Rinse & Repeat – Party, Sleep, Anxiety, Drink. I was losing that control that I longed for. I couldn’t control my thoughts or my impulses – I was scared of myself.

One evening I went out Salsa dancing with a group of friends and a man I had met couple nights before. We were having so much “fun” that this new guy and I decided to hit up the after party. After, the after party we rented a hotel. It should have been a fun night until I woke up with him on top of me – he was raping me. I said no explicitly and he wouldn’t get off me. I kicked him to the floor, ran out of the hotel and called a friend to pick me. This was humiliating, scary and I still went out drinking again the next night. Scary right? I was scared too but had lost all control.

The Bottom

I was completely spiralling out of control. When I was trying to think my thoughts are bouncing around my head like a bouncy ball. You can just forget sleeping, period. Working? Barely. I would only remember to eat if someone reminded me. I felt like a robot – no sleep, no food, no emotions and no feelings.

I was cancelling appointments with all my clients so I could drink during the day with my new “Friends” that I made. On top of everything I had experienced now I was dealing with the trauma from a rape. It was too much for one person to handle. Instead of feeling like I can conquer the world, I now felt like there was no coming back from it. At this point I felt like I was never going to feel sane again that my worse nightmares has come true. It had become so bad that I started doing drugs for the first time in my adult life. It was absolutely terrifying.  I honestly don’t have much to say about this period because it was a blur and due to the traumatic state I was in I was unable to retain new memories – might be a blessing.

Resolution 

I told my parents I was doing drugs and they immediately started making calls to doctors. They helped me call clients and explain that I wasn’t well. The minute I admitted how far gone I was was the minute I started healing.  Plus, I met a man that changed my life forever. Stay tuned for the story. #endthestigma

NOTE TO THE READER

I am sharing this part of my story to help people understand what BiPolar Mania can look like. I also want all my Polar Bears out there to know you are not alone. This was an incredibly hard blog to write and very emotional. I shed a lot of tears thinking about all the people that I hurt along the way. I was want to say sorry to anyone who has read this that I hurt while going thru a Manic episode.

I am not sharing my story to glorify sex, drugs or drinking. I want everyone to understand that those are the things that helped make my Mania worse not better.

Help Lines and References:

If you have experienced sexual assault or rape please contact S.A.C.H.A for help : 905-525-4162

KidsHelpPhone :  

Ages 20 Years and Under in Canada:      1-800-668-6868

Crisis Line:   905-522-1477

The Signs of Mania incl but are not limited to:

    • Disconnected and racing thoughts.

    • Grandiose beliefs.

    • Inappropriate elation or euphoria.

    • Inappropriate irritability.

    • Inappropriate social behavior.

    • Increased sexual desire.

    • Increased talking speed or volume.

  • Markedly increased energy.

PLEASE ALWAYS CALL 911 IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES

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4 thoughts on “The Manic Experience

  1. Sarah. I have no words. I am continually blown away by your honesty and strength. Reading this post made me tear up, get mad, cringe inwardly and outwardly. I am so sorry to hear of your sexual assault. I’d like to hurt the person who hurt you. Thank you for sharing your story and your struggle. You are helping people with your posts. You keep going in your journey. I want health and healing and happiness for you always. ❤️

  2. I know that post was very hard to write…very hard…but I am glad that you did it.
    If re-living some of those terrible terrible times helps just one other person than it is worth so much! And letting others know what you have experienced and survived is so brave. It made me sad and angry …but also reinforced how amazing you are and that you have more courage than most non-polar bears do !
    Love you so much. Your auntie ❤️

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